Here is a follow up on the entry by Guest Blogger, Carole Rule on Toxic Words. This is an enormously important subject when trying to teach your child. It takes strength of mind to change the way you react, but if you've chosen to help your child to succeed, you have that strength of mind.
Toxic words cut into the ego even when we use them on ourselves, so imagine how much worse it is on a child who looks up to you and wants to please you. I mentioned some of them in my last blog but there are others.
Let me list the words and how they cut.
'but' - negates what you just said, so even if it was praise, you have just taken it back or worse.
'if ' - presupposes you may not succeed, setting YOU up for failure be it a child or yourself.
'would have' - draws attention to what didn't happen, nullifying what did happen.
'should have' - not only draws attention but implies guilt because it didn't happen.
'could have' - tries to take credit for what didn't happen and ignore what did happen.
'try' - not only presupposes failure it gives permission to fail!
'might' - leaves options for the listener, not definitive answers.
'can't or don't' - forces focus on the opposite of what you want.
True stories:
A boy and his cousin were playing in the yard and climbing trees when a storm blew in. The aunt called out to her son "Don't fall!" while the boy's father yelled "Hang on!" The boy hung on tightly to the limb and was ok but the cousin fell and broke his arm because the brain first has to figure what is supposed to be done before it can interpret not to do it.
On a little league team there was a pop ball to an area of the field with the weakest player. Dad yelled at him "Don't drop it!" but the coach yelled "Catch it!" What do you think happened? Well luckily the coach was louder and closer and the kid caught the ball. They didn't win the game but think how proud that boy was that he actually caught the ball.
so
If you get into the habit of watching what you say to yourself, maybe you will be better about toxic words to your child, so both of you will benefit. If you stop wondering what if or I should have, after making decisions, you will find you are less indecisive and will stop tearing your own ego down.
Toxic words cut into the ego even when we use them on ourselves, so imagine how much worse it is on a child who looks up to you and wants to please you. I mentioned some of them in my last blog but there are others.
Let me list the words and how they cut.
'but' - negates what you just said, so even if it was praise, you have just taken it back or worse.
'if ' - presupposes you may not succeed, setting YOU up for failure be it a child or yourself.
'would have' - draws attention to what didn't happen, nullifying what did happen.
'should have' - not only draws attention but implies guilt because it didn't happen.
'could have' - tries to take credit for what didn't happen and ignore what did happen.
'try' - not only presupposes failure it gives permission to fail!
'might' - leaves options for the listener, not definitive answers.
'can't or don't' - forces focus on the opposite of what you want.
True stories:
A boy and his cousin were playing in the yard and climbing trees when a storm blew in. The aunt called out to her son "Don't fall!" while the boy's father yelled "Hang on!" The boy hung on tightly to the limb and was ok but the cousin fell and broke his arm because the brain first has to figure what is supposed to be done before it can interpret not to do it.
On a little league team there was a pop ball to an area of the field with the weakest player. Dad yelled at him "Don't drop it!" but the coach yelled "Catch it!" What do you think happened? Well luckily the coach was louder and closer and the kid caught the ball. They didn't win the game but think how proud that boy was that he actually caught the ball.
so
If you get into the habit of watching what you say to yourself, maybe you will be better about toxic words to your child, so both of you will benefit. If you stop wondering what if or I should have, after making decisions, you will find you are less indecisive and will stop tearing your own ego down.
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