This blog entry is by Carole Rule, a guest blogger. She has her own blog called Your Handwriting Explained, which is a fascinating read if you're interested in analysing handwriting.
Most of us perpetuate thoughts and actions, without realizing it, by treating our children and others as we were treated growing up. Not to say this is always a bad thing, especially if we were raised in a nurturing family.
We have all heard that abuse engenders abuse and how many of us as teens have said, "When I have children I will never do that to my kids", only to find as a parent we do the same things mom and dad did. If this something is making them hold to a curfew, do chores, be responsible, well great! These things need to be learned and followed. But the parent that uses toxic words or goes overboard on punishments, even if it is just timeouts, is fostering that use in their child and this we don't want to pass on to future generations
Lets look at toxic words, just simple everyday words we all use but oh how they can poison a child's mind. Always...now stop and think about it, no one 'always' anything. It's just, at that moment in time you think of how often they do something they were told not to do and forget how often they do right. Next is never...again no one never listens, never follows instructions, never does things right or whatever you are chastizing them for. Stop to think. Do you 'always' or 'never' do things?
How about 'but'? Do you praise a child for something only to take it away by saying 'but'? But why can't you do that all the time? But why didn't you do that the first time? Only a three letter word and it can do so much damage. And, yes, I nearly said 'but' it can do so much damage. And remember would'a, could'a, should'a. We often say these things about something we messed up and yes, even then they are derogatory, but to a child would, could and should can cut the self-esteem down so very badly.
Worst of all, we don't mean to inflict damage to their ego, but in frustration, anger or the heat of the moment it happens. We speak out, without a thought of the message we are giving out to our children. And while we are on the subject think of your own ego. These same words are just as toxic to us and maybe, if we learn to use other words in their place, we won't be so quick to use them on the children.
When you want to say "You did great today 'but'" why not say "I'm really proud of what you did today" and leave it at that. Or how about "That was great! Do you remember just how you did that?" This will tell them you are proud of them and reinforce to remember just what made it so great.
As for yourself, if you mess up and especially if its not the first time, then tell yourself "I really need to slow down and do this the proper way next time, because I really do know how to do it."
We have all heard that abuse engenders abuse and how many of us as teens have said, "When I have children I will never do that to my kids", only to find as a parent we do the same things mom and dad did. If this something is making them hold to a curfew, do chores, be responsible, well great! These things need to be learned and followed. But the parent that uses toxic words or goes overboard on punishments, even if it is just timeouts, is fostering that use in their child and this we don't want to pass on to future generations
Lets look at toxic words, just simple everyday words we all use but oh how they can poison a child's mind. Always...now stop and think about it, no one 'always' anything. It's just, at that moment in time you think of how often they do something they were told not to do and forget how often they do right. Next is never...again no one never listens, never follows instructions, never does things right or whatever you are chastizing them for. Stop to think. Do you 'always' or 'never' do things?
How about 'but'? Do you praise a child for something only to take it away by saying 'but'? But why can't you do that all the time? But why didn't you do that the first time? Only a three letter word and it can do so much damage. And, yes, I nearly said 'but' it can do so much damage. And remember would'a, could'a, should'a. We often say these things about something we messed up and yes, even then they are derogatory, but to a child would, could and should can cut the self-esteem down so very badly.
Worst of all, we don't mean to inflict damage to their ego, but in frustration, anger or the heat of the moment it happens. We speak out, without a thought of the message we are giving out to our children. And while we are on the subject think of your own ego. These same words are just as toxic to us and maybe, if we learn to use other words in their place, we won't be so quick to use them on the children.
When you want to say "You did great today 'but'" why not say "I'm really proud of what you did today" and leave it at that. Or how about "That was great! Do you remember just how you did that?" This will tell them you are proud of them and reinforce to remember just what made it so great.
As for yourself, if you mess up and especially if its not the first time, then tell yourself "I really need to slow down and do this the proper way next time, because I really do know how to do it."
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